How To Fall In Love No Matter What People Think
Would you like to fall in love? In spite of what everyone else says, do you want to believe love is out there for you? Have you heard how all the good ones are gone, no one wants to make a commitment these days, and everyone is married?
There are lots of negative voices that will tell you that love might exist but you will probably never find it. Don't believe them. Here are some of the ways you can fight off the messengers of hollow hope:
* Stay away from conversations that lead to conclusions of hopelessness.
Just because that is someone else's opinion doesn't mean it has to be yours. Look for conversations of possibility that start with words like, "I can," and "I will."
* Resist being manipulated by the media.
The media may whisper or scream that you need to look or act in a certain way in order to attract someone. People who are overweight, bald, past the age of 50 or more, driving a late model car, or wearing '60s polyester suits meet and fall in love every day. So can you.
* Pay attention to selective exposure.
People who feel and think the same way begin to believe that this collective viewpoint is a law. If you think there is no one out there for you and you have gathered unto yourself five or ten friends who think the same way, then you are going to be rooted in this belief, and you will act accordingly. Make a conscious effort to find and hang out with friends who have a belief of possibility and hope.
Build a bank of people who can resist the voices that say all the good ones are gone. In fact, the next time you hear that phrase, stand up and be heard say, "All the good ones can not possibly be gone I'm still here!"
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
How To Fall In Love No Matter What People Think
Monday, December 21, 2009
2. Be unashamedly proactive and methodical. Cold-hearted calculation doesn’t seem like a very magical approach to meeting the love of your life, but there will be plenty of time for magic once you’re dating. Tell yourself that you will do at least two specific things every week to facilitate your quest. And when opportunities present themselves, make things happen rather than just allowing them to unfold. For instance, if you see a hotty and there doesn’t seem to be an easy way to meet him, accidentally bump into him, for God’s sake.
3. If you are going to a party, bar or event, don’t travel in huge wolf packs of women. It’s hard to break into a group that size, plus it’s easy for a guy to think that the moment he turns around after talking to you, all the other chicks are going to laugh hysterically about a comment he made or even the pants he’s wearing. Two is an OK number (you and a friend), but three is even better because one friend has a pal to talk to if you start chatting someone up.
4. Avoid being too glam. When you’re all dolled up, you may feel like a man magnet, but guys are often put off by too much product. Lots of makeup and tons of designer labels scream high-maintenance, and guys don’t like that. One other tip: Consider wearing something that could be a conversation-starter, like a t-shirt with something funny written on it or a faux-fur vest that a guy may ask to touch.
5. Have a drink in your hand. We once had a girl write a piece about her experience being a wing woman someone hired by shy guys to chat up women in bars and then introduce them. She provided a great tip: Don’t stand around empty-handed. If you’re holding a drink, a guy won’t feel he has to immediately buy one for you. But then later, if things are going well, ordering you a refill gives him something positive to do.
6. Do not be too coy. Guys, as we know, like the chase. But if you seem too elusive, guys won’t approach. These days, men shy away from the slightest chance of rejection. So what’s a coy move that works? Make eye contact with an object of desire, hold for three seconds, and then look away. Repeat. If he’s interested, you’ve given him a pretty clear signal that it’s safe to head your way. Once you’re talking to a guy, you don’t want to be all over him. But let him know in a more subtle manner that you’re interested for instance, by laying your hand on his arm when you make a point.
7. When there is an adorable guy suddenly in your path, don’t be so worried about saying the perfect thing that you end up saying nothing at all. As long as you seem friendly, you’ll be OK, so just get something out. Asking for help is a surefire conversation-starter. If you’re in an electronics store, try “Excuse me, could you tell me the difference between LCD and plasma screen TVs?” Humor can work, too. If you’re standing by an elevator, you could slyly say, “I hear that pressing the button 20 or 30 times actually does make it come faster.” Another good trick: playfully polling a guy. An example: “I’m taking a survey for the bar. Did you have to drive more than five miles to get here?” You could also come up with a question about yourself, like: “Do you think I should get blue contact lenses?”
8. Be positive. A few years ago I arranged for a single friend of mine to sit next to a hot guy at a charity dinner. Through the night, I watched them from my table and I had every reason to believe things were going well. But later the guy told me that my friend had offered up an endless stream of negative riffs. She hated the subway, her boss, teacup dogs, e.t.c. She thought that confessing things she didn’t like was a way of bonding with him, but guys are turned off by negativity.
9. Really hear what he has to say. When you’re nervous, it’s easy to become overly self-conscious. You might ask a guy you’ve just met plenty of questions, but be so worried about what to say next that you don’t pay close attention to his answers. Here’s a trick to help you focus: Wait a few beats after he says something and think about what he’s said. Then allow your next comment or question to really play off what he’s told you.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Be Compatible Before Falling In Love
Long-term relationships fail for many reasons, but one of the most common is incompatibility in important areas of your life. It’s all too easy to overlook major differences in the first bloom of love, but will the traits and beliefs that seem endearing in the first months of a new relationship still be acceptable in five, ten, or forty years? The sad thing is that a painful breakup could have been avoided, simply by having an honest discussion of important issues before the relationship got too deep. If you take a hard look at the ways you differ from your new flame, you can spare yourself a broken heart and a lot of time down the road. Here are five questions that you should ask yourself before your relationship gets too serious.
1. Are Our Politics Compatible?
Politics is an issue which is often ignored in the early stages of a relationship. Who wants to think about global warming when you could be planning a romantic getaway? However, people tend to be passionate about their political beliefs, and differing views can cause relationships to explode. Falling in love with people who share your political tendencies will make a smoother road to travel in the future.
2. Are Our Religious Views Compatible?
Opposing religious views might work out for two adults who respect one another, even if you do have difficulty reconciling your agnostic views with his dedication to spending Sunday mornings in church. However, they can become a strain in a long term relationship, especially if you plan to have children.3. Are Our Patterns of Communication Compatible?
Some couples frequently flare up at each other, shouting and yelling over every little problem – only to be doting on each other five minutes later. Others would be badly hurt, preferring to discuss disagreements calmly and peaceably. Difficulties often arise when communication patterns within the relationship vary widely.
4. Do We Have Similar Visions of the Future?
When you first fall in love, all you can think about is the next time that you can see your new flame again. However, this is the best time to consider the future as well. If you’ve always dreamed of children and she doesn’t want them, or you envision spending your life in the country while he wants the glamour of city life, it will be difficult to combine your differing views into a comfortable life together.
5. Do We Have Similar Ideas About Love?
Everybody has different ideas about how people who are in love should act. Perhaps you show your affection through your actions instead of your words, or you want your independence while your lover wants to spend all your spare time together. The more compatible these opinions, the easier your life together will be.
With love, honest communication, and respect, any of these differences may be overcome. However, knowing the areas in which you and your new love are not a perfect fit will allow you to address these issues early on. If you are not able to come to an agreement, you will know that the relationship will not work before it is too late.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Communication is the crux of all relationships, and if the communication is not strong then your relationship will not be. Not only is talking about your feelings important, but listening is also vital.
When your mate is unleashing his or her emotions on you, make it evident that you are taking what he or she says into consideration. Do this by showing a sincere interest in things you know are important to him or her, regardless if it is a minor thing or a major thing.
Also, if your significant other notifies you of an aspect of your personality or behavior that he or she dislikes that is within reason, try your hardest to prevent yourself from doing such things in the future. Although you may not completely eliminate that annoying habit, the effort that you show will be enough to satisfy that person.
Everyone has baggage; however, the key is dealing with that baggage and not allowing it to influence your relationship.
Everyone goes through obstacles throughout their day that cause stress. However, by no means should you tell your mate every time you are upset. With that said, do tell the person when something major happens to you-not when you've been plagued with something as minor as a paper cut. Nobody likes to be burdened with other people's downfalls on a constant basis because they are dealing with their own misfortunes as well.
With time, a certain comfort level is reached in a relationship. When this happens, a relationship becomes serious, or in other words, committed. For some, the word "committed" entails labels and obligations.
In order to be in a committed relationship, you must be mature and realize that it will take hard work and dedication to maintain. Make sure that your mate knows where he or she stands with you at all times. This is achieved through actions. Show your mate how much he or she means to you by writing a sentimental poem or by literally telling that person.
Commitment is scary for many because it serves as the end to just being you and the beginning for you being two. So if you are in fact serious about your mate, do not force him or her into a commitment; rather, let things ease into that stage. Do this first by taking the relationship day to day, and then as things progress, subtly slip hints that you are beginning to think about your future together.
The family – you have to love them even though most times it would be easier to throw pixie dust on them and wish they would vanish off to Never land. However, the reality is that you must make sure you are on your best behavior in front of them if you want a serious long-lasting relationship with your mate. Keep in mind that you must think of this task as a job. You can make a great first impression, but the staying power of that impression is what counts. Make sure the family feels that you are not only getting to know them for your mate, but that you are also getting to know them because you actually like them as people.
With that said, invite them to join you in activities that do not include your mate such as shopping. Also, make sure you exercise great mannerisms. This means always cleaning the table after a meal without being asked and always offering to help in chores around the house. Not only must you go that extra mile, but you also must make sure you impress while doing so. This means always bringing a dish of the family's favorite food each time you come over, or calling the person's mom when at the supermarket to see if she needs anything.
Being a Workaholic
In this day and age, the height of success is a long and rough road to travel. In your voyage to riches, you may unintentionally neglect your special someone. Your mate can only be so supportive. Remember a long-lasting relationship is as fulfilling as a successful career. As a career entails obstacles and levels to reach the top, so do relationships. However, this does not mean to place your relationship over your career, but rather balance the two.
To maintain this juggling act, you should try to invite your mate to work gatherings and keep him or her updated on the events in your career. This way they will feel connected to that aspect of your life and will be more understanding if you sometimes decide to choose work over them.
YOU DON’T NEED THEM
If your mate still ends up breaking up with you even after all of this, do not waste your time being upset; rather, be relieved with the reassurance that you can do much better.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Unfortunately, many of us tend to make mistakes when trying to get over a recent break up. This not only prolongs the recovery process but also makes it even more heart breaking to deal with. Figuring out how to manage your time after getting dumped is crucial in order to have a quick recovery and move on with your love life. These lessons are important to follow, so breaking up isn’t so hard to do.
Breakup Tip #1
Do not: shut yourself away from your friends.
While you may be tempted to lock yourself in a room and listen to sad breakup music, resist the urge. It is also not a good idea to call his or her cell phone to listen to the recorded message repeatedly, or listen to ‘your song.’
Friends can provide supportive advice and make you smile even at your most depressed times. By shutting yourself away in your bedroom you will only elevate your emotional status and feel sorry for yourself.
Give your friends a chance to take you out and talk about it. Whether it is a trip to an ice-cream parlor or to a dance club, a change of scenery can take your mind off your recent breakup. Sometimes friends and fun are the only way to take your mind off negative experiences.
Remember, everyone has been through rejection at some point in their life and talking about your experiences with people you trust can make hard times more tolerable.
Breakup Tip #2
Do: Hide old pictures and banish the stuffed animals he/she gave to you.
This step involves distancing yourself from the symbols that represent your relationship. On top of that, organize all the e mails you sent to one another in a separate folder, titled ‘ignore.’ If you really want to, you can even delete them.
All these items did at one point have sentimental value; however, now you must move on. This step isn’t possible unless you let go of some memories. It isn’t necessarily to burn the pictures of your happy couple days but piling them into a shoe box out of your direct view will help you forget about your ex-partner. Some degree of separation is fundamental in moving on with your life. If you keep staring at pictures of the happy couple days, you will only be reminiscing about the past – unable to move on to the future.
Breakup Tip #3
Do not: Throw eggs at his car, kidnap her dog or leave nasty messages on his answering machine.
Okay, so that may be a little more than you would do anyway, but you get the idea.
Being mature is a difficult task when dealing with a breakup. However, regardless of how the relationship ended, refrain from scheming creative ways to make their life miserable. Getting dumped sucks, but try to look at the situation from a positive perspective: If your partner didn’t really care about you, then the relationship was not worth it and it’s time to move on with your love life.
Now, put the cap back on the permanent marker and move away from his car.
Breakup Tip #4
Do: Give new people a chance to get to know you.
Everyone needs a transition period of being alone after a breakup. This is often referred to as being ‘on the rebound.’ However, dwelling on your past breakup for too long can make you feel lonely and depressed. During the recovery process, sometimes the sooner you meet another partner, the sooner you can forget about what happened in the past and give love another chance.
Spending your evenings alone, in fear of being dumped again is not only a waste of time but it also gives your former mate the satisfaction to observe that you are still heartbroken. Getting back into the dating world is an important step in moving on with your life.
After dealing with a breakup, you might be more selective in the type of man/woman you are looking for and your standards might be elevated to a new level. Good for you! Use the experience and everything you have learned about yourself to meet someone who is perfect for you.
Remember love takes time
Letting your heart heal takes time, especially after a heart wrenching breakup. Keep in mind that we are all strong enough to easily recover from a breakup if we truly have the desire to move on.
Men and women often spend too much time figuring out what went wrong in their past relationship. Forget about vandalizing his new convertible or kidnapping her new puppy. Instead, concentrate on what to wear to the singles bar tonight.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
The Reasons Why You Are Still Single and Lonely
1. If you think love will never find you, it won't. I receive many posts on the Dating from women whose romantic disappointments have left them convinced there is something inherently unlovable about them. They say things like: "Who would want me anyway? I'm sure I'm going to wind up alone." Obviously these women are as worthy of love as you and I. (Yes, we're worthy!) But they've come down with something so awful it can keep them solo for years to come: self-fulfilling prophecy, or SFP. SFP isn't contagious but it will make potential dates run the opposite way. It's an insidious disease. Physically, it leaves the sufferer untouched. But the more one walks around saying, "I will never find love," the higher the odds that expectation will come true. Contrarily, the sunnier one's thoughts — "I'm such a cool, happy person that I'm bound to find love" — the sunnier the forecast for her romantic future. If you're among those throwing one too many pity parties for herself, get busy: Start a journal. Each day write down something lovable about yourself. It will get easier with time. You can even consider calling or e-mailing a few close friends or relatives, so they can share reasons they think a man would be lucky to have you. Level with them about why you're making this request, and they'll probably be happy to help. Whenever a negative thought threatens to invade your mind, replace it with a positive one. Uncover the other love mistakes that might be keeping you single right here:
2. Kick the bad-boy habit. News flash: Good guys have not gone the way of the 8-track. They exist in bulk. The trick is learning to both recognize and want a man of worth. "For years I was attracted to guys whose mission was to hurt me," says reformed bad-boy lover Adel Harris, a 32-year-old Chicago Web designer. "It would be obvious from the get-go. They'd never call when they said they would, were constantly caught in stupid lies, said they loved me, then ran around with other women. One even tried to seduce my best friend." During these years, Adel kept railing that her dates were the best of a bad lot: No man could be kind or faithful. Then she attended a cousin's wedding. "Naomi's bridegroom Rick was the sweetest man in the world. He obviously adored my cousin and lived to please her," says Adel. "Seeing the sweet, loving light in his eyes, I vowed that one day I'd meet a man who would look at me like I was a treasure." Adel took a dating hiatus and did some much-needed thinking about the root of her obsession with bad boys. "My dad was a life-of-the-party type, but as a husband and father he was cold and uncaring," she admits. "He left for good when I was 10.
After that, the few times I'd see him I'd practically do cartwheels to win his attention. When I was old enough to have a boyfriend, I began metaphorically dating my dad. Once I realized what I'd been doing, I started seeing the appeal of guys who weren't as flashy or unreliable, guys who were capable of caring." Today Adel is engaged — to a Rick type. "I can't believe I wasted all that time on men who treated me like dirt," she says. "But it was worth it, I guess because it eventually taught me to truly appreciate a good man."
3. Repeat after me: Love is not a synonym for leash. When Gina Thomas, a 29-year-old Manhattan magazine art director, got engaged, it seemed like a dream come true. In her fantasies she and her fiancé Bill would do everything together. Bill had a different definition. "Once we moved in together I assumed Bill would cut out the biweekly poker games with the guys and the occasional nights out after work," says Gina. "Our jobs left us little free time as it was. We shouldn't have wasted it on other people." Wanting your partner to be with you 24/7 is not realistic or fair, yet like Gina many women feel abandoned or unloved if their other half has needs (say, for male camaraderie or occasional solitude) that can't be fulfilled by the relationship. Gina's insecurity and neediness led her to make Bill feel like he was under house arrest. And no matter how plush the jail, eventually a prisoner wants to be set free. The two split. The happiest couples allow each other breathing room to grow. The more dynamic their lives apart (in terms of jobs, hobbies, friends), the more they'll have to share with each other when they get together.
4. Don't commit emotional infidelity. It is vital that your partner be someone you treat with courtesy and kindness. If you tell all of your favorite jokes and "bad day" stories to a friend or male coworker, what will you have left when you get home to your honey? It may sound crazy, but there is a premium on a person's time and energy — there is only so much of it to go around — and if you spend yours with someone else, you're potentially hurting your relationship. Even worse is betraying your partner's confidences with a male friend or coworker. Just ask Doreen Badenstadt, a 34-year-old chef from Santa Fe, New Mexico. "After six years of marriage my husband Ed and I started growing apart. Nothing drastic, but he was no longer the first person I'd tell when something good or bad happened," she says. "That honor belonged to my neighbor Don." Doreen never slept with Don, but she did begin sharing intimacies, such as the fact that her husband wore a toupee, a fact Don joked about at a neighborhood barbecue. Ed was shocked and felt betrayed at hearing his business discussed over hot dogs and beer. He accused his wife of disloyalty, precipitating the biggest fight the pair had ever had. The couple patched things up, but Doreen was reminded the hard way that her marriage needed to be the number one relationship in her life.
5. You're wrong if you need to be right. When Anne Ryan, a 29-year-old from Chicago, met her boyfriend Sam, she was delighted that the two had so much in common. Both were lawyers and loved to tango, downhill ski and play chess. Both were also stubbornly full of pride. "Sam was perfect except for one horrible flaw," says Anne. "He always needed to be right — whether it was about which restaurant served better burgers or which of us had apologized first after our last fight. What I didn't realize until it was too late was that I was just as bad. I couldn't admit that I'd forgotten to give him an important phone message or that his desire to move to L.A. was something I should seriously consider. I wanted to stay in Chicago and that was all that mattered. It was my way or the highway."
Friday, December 4, 2009
How To Spot A Cheating Lover
1. He won’t stay over. Men who have commitment issues rarely will spend the night because that betrays commitment. Instead, he’ll slink out of bed after sex, get dressed, and go home to his own apartment or house. Likewise, he won’t ask you to stay over at his place.
2. He wont talk about the relationship. Men who don’t fear commitment have no problem with discussing the direction and intensity of relationship. Conversely, men who have commitment issues will shy away from that discussion, no matter what the consequences.
3. He is open about his interest in other women. Almost as if proud of their commitment issues, men who don’t want to commit will openly discuss women they find attractive. They might also leave women’s phone numbers where you’re likely to find them, or even casually mention having a date with another woman.
4. He flinches at the word marriage. Men with commitment issues won’t discuss marriage, and might even break out into a cold sweat at its mention.
5. He won’t introduce you to his friends. Men sometimes feel that putting their friends with their girlfriends is akin to relationship suicide, but typically, men who won’t introduce you simply don’t feel that you’ll be around long enough for it to matter.
6. He won’t meet your friends. Men who have commitment issues want to keep the relationship as private as possible. They fear getting too close, which can certainly mean commitment, so they’ll only want to get together when it’s just you and him.
7. He wants to stay in a lot. Men who base relationships on sex, and sex alone, will want to stay in rather than go out. They don’t want to introduce you to friends, and they don’t really want to be seen together. This is a big red flag for commitment issues.
8. He won’t talk about the future. Commitment issues keep a man from wanting to discuss the future: next month, next week, or even tomorrow night! They like to live by the moment and don’t want to count on the fact that you’ll be around tomorrow.